Wonder struck.

I'm sitting in my living room across from the freshly decorated tree, hung with ornaments collected over the past 30 or so years. It's tradition in my family to go pick out the Christmas tree at the local farm every year the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Ingle family Christmases are filled with traditions picked up over the years, like Christmas Eve at Grandmother's, drinking mom's Christmas punch all season long, and exchanging gifts at Grandma's after lunch on Christmas Day.

In my eyes Christmas really is the greatest time of year, probably because my mom has always made it a point to ensure that every Christmas is FULL of festivities and Christmasy events. Everything about the season is festive around here, and the best part is that my mother never lets us forget why we celebrate. This year, though, I have an entirely new outlook and reason to be in awe.  

I recently found a video that explains the song of praise the universe sings.  Stars emit magnetic signals that can be picked up as radio waves. They sound like the strings in an orchestra. God has His own string section! In the video, Louie Giglio put together the sound of 17 stars along with the beats of an oscillating supernova and the song of a whale, and it made the perfect backdrop to the song 'How Great is our God' by Chris Tomlin. It fit together perfectly. Tears streamed down my face as I realized a few things. 

First of all, to be the ears of God, only for a moment! Can you imagine? The sound of thousands, billions, and trillions of stars along with the rest of creation simply doing what they were made to do, forming a grand orchestra in perfect harmony! And that's just it: they do what they are made to do and it is pleasing to God and it is praise. Think that through a little further and you see that when we as people do what we are made to do it becomes part of that song.  What makes this concept so beautiful is that we are the only beings in all of known creation who have the free will NOT to worship. My dog worships simply by existing. He lives on instinct, therefore he can't not praise. We, however, have every option to do the opposite of what we were created to do, which is to live a life of intimate relationship with our Father. Can you fathom such a love as this, a love that would allow us to CHOOSE Him? He desires our affection so greatly that even though He could have created us without choice, He made us with the freedom to choose Him. And how much more beautiful when we do worship that we have the choice not to worship.

But here's the thing: whether I choose to worship or not, there is a song that will rise. The rocks will cry out and the heavens will sing. The song will rise with or without me. We are but vapors in the wind, and God does not need us. Yet He chooses to pursue our love, which is our worship. Take a minute to meditate on that concept. God does not need us, yet He pursues us. The eternal, omnipotent God of the universe does not need us, yet He relentlessly pursues our affection. This is where the tears started to pour down my face. I have in the past lived my life with no thought of my savior, the man who loved me so much that He laid down His life so I can love Him, and still he very visibly - through relationships, family, and undeniable miracles - sought me out and moved mountains to be with me and give me the opportunity to offer my worship as part of His orchestra. 

Does this not spark the greatest sense of wonder and awe? Can you fathom that love? With everything I've done and been through over the past two or three years, I am blown away by a God who still chooses me. The change in me gives me a new and fresh reason to celebrate the fact that God came down to us. I have a deeper understanding of why He was born and the great love behind it.  I am simply wonder struck, and I am so excited to celebrate the birth of the Savior. It is the source of my hope.

Coffee

Ruby stain 

along the rim of a 

black satin drink, 

blowing steam like a steam engine, 

and bitter flavor just as loud. 

Held by the same wrinkled,

sun spotted hand 

that held its like for decades past, 

the winter mug rises to lipstick dyed lips

Bringing along remembrances 

of days like Breakfast at Tiffany's- 

6 AM late night coffees in a little black dress. 

Same ruby stained rim

on the same black satin drink.

 'Ahhhhh, this doesn't change,' 

proclaims the quenched after-sip sigh 

on a weathered old face, 

eyes closed, 

smile forming. 

Those lips became creased, 

but that black satin 

still tastes like pungent adulthood, 

that stain still made of blue-red Chanel. 

Finally!

Wow, wow, and wow. I completely forgot about this blog, how candid I was in it, and how completely different my life has been the past two years than it was when I kept up with this thing. I've been craving the sense of unburdening I used to get from writing, and when I read my old posts that craving became a need.  

It's amazing to see my past struggles and how God gave me wisdom and strength beyond my years through them. To say the least, I lost that somewhere along the way. I'll use these posts later on to go into more detail about specific experiences since I haven't decided yet exactly how transparent I would like to be or how I'd like to lay it all out, but for now I'll just say, God is faithful.

I lived in complete darkness and barrenness for too long, yet God pursued me relentlessly. He actively placed the relationships in my life that would balance and challenge me. He protected me from natural consequences when I was too far in my sin to care what may come. And first and foremost, he loved me. 

I'm not talking about an abstract, lofty love that I know most of you will imagine when you think about the love of God. I mean an utterly and completely tangible, visible, and persistent love that can only be divine.  I lived with absolutely no consideration for the love that was being showered upon me, yet it never ceased to flood. 

This love that never fails is what is driving me to rediscover what I'm made for. It's empowering me to grasp anew my worth and meaning. And it's challenging me to find exactly what it is that I'm capable of achieving in this lifetime. I haven't made a full recovery from the destruction I've brought into my heart and life, but I'm definitely on the road.

This is what my life is for: the glory of the One who rescued me, and may it never be any other way again.

 …มุ่งหวัง have hope