learning.

20 things I've learned since December 5th:

1. Priorities priorities priorities.
2. Balance is always a necessity.

3. Regret will eat you alive, so do everything you do for God's glory. And when you mess up accept His grace and live in that instead of regret.
4. Life is about a) loving God and b) loving people. It's not about me.
5. "It's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two; that's you and me. The rules remain a mystery."
6. Life gets hard when you leave home, but the experiences are what makes it beautiful.
7. I'm only 19...I'm not an adult.
8. People who are older than me really do know more than I do.
9. "Consider it all pure joy when you encounter trials of different kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

10. God loves. And that love knows no bounds.

11. Love should never be a battlefield. And if it is then something's wrong.

12. Putting people on a pedistal always ends badly, because if they're lifted too high then their only way is down.

13. It is possible to literally become "sick with worry." So I won't worry. Life's not in my hands.

14. Men and women are different and they love differently. The only reconciliation between the two loves is Christ, so for any relationship to work He must be the focal point.

15. It's easier to say in your head that God is in first place than it is to really have him there in your heart.

16. Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words really can hurt me.

17. People don't complete me. Christ does.

18. Thoughts are powerful and influential. So dwell on whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise.

19. There's air in my lungs, a savior in my heart, a Bible beside my bed, and people in my life. I am blessed. So blessed.
20. Christ became my knight in shining armor 2000 years ago when He died in my place and defeated death by rising again...He's all I need.

Funerals always make me think about where I am and where I want to be when I die, especially when it's a funeral for someone as amazing as Keri Wright. It's time to take these lessons I've learned and apply them, because death can come suddenly and I don't want to leave without getting it right and making an impact.

the Kingdom.

I'm remembering why I wake up in the morning. It's Christ. It's all Christ.

For the past two weeks I have had enough trouble pushing through each day, wishing certain things had never happened, regretting certain decisions, but now I'm remembering how faithful my God is.

Even when I, who have such a knack of messing things up, make mistakes that seemingly alter and ruin the course of my life, God has a way of picking up the pieces. While I'm busy knocking myself down over and over Christ is there holding my arm, consistently and gently lifting me back up. When I'm so busy looking back at my regret and shame that I can't see the brightness of the future, He's preparing a new path that's full of His brilliance.

I realized today that when I consume myself in my own regret I'm actively shielding my eyes from God's hope and peace. When all I can think about is what I could have done differently, I'm selfishly taking my life into my own hands and assuming that I have the power to change God's will. But I don't. I don't have any more power to take away God's grace and providence than I do to give it.

My life isn't about what I have done right or how I've messed things up, it's completely and utterly about God's kingdom. My life is about God glorifying Himself. Nothing I can do on my own is significant enough to take away God's glory, or to give Him more glory.

When I am consumed by Christ, that doesn't mean that I live a perfect life and my actions glorify God more, but rather the opposite. It means that I am completely empty of myself and my own actions and that I'm instead full of Christ and His grace.

I have no power on my own; I don't even have the power to ruin God's plans. They're far too great.

There is ALWAYS hope. The enduring, stubborn love of God persists.
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regret.

Regret is a four letter word. It can cause more pain than any other emotion. It swims inside the head of its beholder and dwells there...it lurks behind every memory and crouches behind every thought.

But this is King David's plea to God to be rescued from his regret:
"Have mercy on me, oh God, according to Your steadfast love; according to Your abundant mercy. Against You and You only have I sined and done what is evil in Your sight. But You delight in truth in the inword being, and You teach me truth in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones You have broken rejoice! Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."

How can a God of such vast holiness love one like me enough to "let me hear joy and gladness" and "renew a steadfast spirit within me"? It's a thought far beyond my capacity. But if Christ will show me to the point of gladness, how can I regret the things that caused me to cry for mercy? In the song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan, the last phrase says: "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us." Christ's love abounded in my moments of weakness and regret. When I had no one else and when the rest of the world abandoned me, His love was steadfast. How can I regret my weakness when it displayed the strength of Christ? My rebuilding will bring glory to God, and that's beautiful.

at least that's what I tell myself every day... I'm trying to hope
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strength.

This semester has been such an experience. I've made amazing friends, I've learned a lot, I've been more stressed out than I knew was possible, I've known heartache, and in all that I just forgot a lot about God. This past week has been so chaotic without Him.
But I was cleaning out from under my bed for white glove room checks this afternoon, and I found something I wrote at an RHLM a couple of months ago, and it reminded me where my Peace is and what I live for and who I am:

"Isaiah 40:12-31

'He never grows tired and weary...'
Just like everyone else I feel tired: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. But He doesn't. It's so comforting to think that in the midst of this chaos and exhaustion there is One amung us who is never exhausted and never needs rest. He is full of energy and has plenty to give away. And He will give it away. I had forgotten that.

'And His understanding is unsearchable...'
I don't know a lot of things academically, in relationships, and just in life, but He not only knows all things, but He understands everything about all things, even pain. When I'm confused and broken, He understands."

I have hope again, and it is so refreshing.
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