learning.

20 things I've learned since December 5th:

1. Priorities priorities priorities.
2. Balance is always a necessity.

3. Regret will eat you alive, so do everything you do for God's glory. And when you mess up accept His grace and live in that instead of regret.
4. Life is about a) loving God and b) loving people. It's not about me.
5. "It's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two; that's you and me. The rules remain a mystery."
6. Life gets hard when you leave home, but the experiences are what makes it beautiful.
7. I'm only 19...I'm not an adult.
8. People who are older than me really do know more than I do.
9. "Consider it all pure joy when you encounter trials of different kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

10. God loves. And that love knows no bounds.

11. Love should never be a battlefield. And if it is then something's wrong.

12. Putting people on a pedistal always ends badly, because if they're lifted too high then their only way is down.

13. It is possible to literally become "sick with worry." So I won't worry. Life's not in my hands.

14. Men and women are different and they love differently. The only reconciliation between the two loves is Christ, so for any relationship to work He must be the focal point.

15. It's easier to say in your head that God is in first place than it is to really have him there in your heart.

16. Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words really can hurt me.

17. People don't complete me. Christ does.

18. Thoughts are powerful and influential. So dwell on whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise.

19. There's air in my lungs, a savior in my heart, a Bible beside my bed, and people in my life. I am blessed. So blessed.
20. Christ became my knight in shining armor 2000 years ago when He died in my place and defeated death by rising again...He's all I need.

Funerals always make me think about where I am and where I want to be when I die, especially when it's a funeral for someone as amazing as Keri Wright. It's time to take these lessons I've learned and apply them, because death can come suddenly and I don't want to leave without getting it right and making an impact.

the Kingdom.

I'm remembering why I wake up in the morning. It's Christ. It's all Christ.

For the past two weeks I have had enough trouble pushing through each day, wishing certain things had never happened, regretting certain decisions, but now I'm remembering how faithful my God is.

Even when I, who have such a knack of messing things up, make mistakes that seemingly alter and ruin the course of my life, God has a way of picking up the pieces. While I'm busy knocking myself down over and over Christ is there holding my arm, consistently and gently lifting me back up. When I'm so busy looking back at my regret and shame that I can't see the brightness of the future, He's preparing a new path that's full of His brilliance.

I realized today that when I consume myself in my own regret I'm actively shielding my eyes from God's hope and peace. When all I can think about is what I could have done differently, I'm selfishly taking my life into my own hands and assuming that I have the power to change God's will. But I don't. I don't have any more power to take away God's grace and providence than I do to give it.

My life isn't about what I have done right or how I've messed things up, it's completely and utterly about God's kingdom. My life is about God glorifying Himself. Nothing I can do on my own is significant enough to take away God's glory, or to give Him more glory.

When I am consumed by Christ, that doesn't mean that I live a perfect life and my actions glorify God more, but rather the opposite. It means that I am completely empty of myself and my own actions and that I'm instead full of Christ and His grace.

I have no power on my own; I don't even have the power to ruin God's plans. They're far too great.

There is ALWAYS hope. The enduring, stubborn love of God persists.
มุ่งหวัง...

regret.

Regret is a four letter word. It can cause more pain than any other emotion. It swims inside the head of its beholder and dwells there...it lurks behind every memory and crouches behind every thought.

But this is King David's plea to God to be rescued from his regret:
"Have mercy on me, oh God, according to Your steadfast love; according to Your abundant mercy. Against You and You only have I sined and done what is evil in Your sight. But You delight in truth in the inword being, and You teach me truth in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones You have broken rejoice! Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."

How can a God of such vast holiness love one like me enough to "let me hear joy and gladness" and "renew a steadfast spirit within me"? It's a thought far beyond my capacity. But if Christ will show me to the point of gladness, how can I regret the things that caused me to cry for mercy? In the song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan, the last phrase says: "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us." Christ's love abounded in my moments of weakness and regret. When I had no one else and when the rest of the world abandoned me, His love was steadfast. How can I regret my weakness when it displayed the strength of Christ? My rebuilding will bring glory to God, and that's beautiful.

at least that's what I tell myself every day... I'm trying to hope
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strength.

This semester has been such an experience. I've made amazing friends, I've learned a lot, I've been more stressed out than I knew was possible, I've known heartache, and in all that I just forgot a lot about God. This past week has been so chaotic without Him.
But I was cleaning out from under my bed for white glove room checks this afternoon, and I found something I wrote at an RHLM a couple of months ago, and it reminded me where my Peace is and what I live for and who I am:

"Isaiah 40:12-31

'He never grows tired and weary...'
Just like everyone else I feel tired: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. But He doesn't. It's so comforting to think that in the midst of this chaos and exhaustion there is One amung us who is never exhausted and never needs rest. He is full of energy and has plenty to give away. And He will give it away. I had forgotten that.

'And His understanding is unsearchable...'
I don't know a lot of things academically, in relationships, and just in life, but He not only knows all things, but He understands everything about all things, even pain. When I'm confused and broken, He understands."

I have hope again, and it is so refreshing.
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birthday.

I wanted to write a blog because I found this gorgeous picture and felt compelled to share it with the one or three people who faithfully read my blog. But alas, I have nothing profound to say today.

However, I have had the best birthday month EVER :)
First, my boyfriend took me to the park, gave me Bojangles, and sang me the sweetest song that he wrote just for me.
Then, my friends and I went to the greatest place on Earth - Cracker Barrel - for my birthday dinner. During the duration of the meal I received about 39394032 "happy birthdays". That is now officially my favorite phrase in the English language.
And THEN, tonight my boyfriend took me to Red Lobster and to see Whip it. And then he was very adamant about having me home at exactly ten o'clock. To be honest, I was somewhat peeved, though I didn't say anything, that he only wanted to see me till ten on my last night at Liberty before Thanksgiving break, but when I got home my AMAZING roommate, Jessika, had baked big, huge chocolate chip cookies and had organized a quad surprise cookie-eating gathering just for my birthday :) Greatest roommate ever? I think so. I'm not peeved about my boyfriend wanting me home by ten anymore. He's pretty amazing too.
And yet to come I have a birthday dinner with my parents and extended family Monday and ANOTHER birthday dinner with my parents and sister next Saturday.

What a great month.
That concludes today's ramblings, except for this one last word:

"After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10
This is hope. มุ่งหวัง

goodness.

In light of recent events, I have been awestruck by the goodness of my God.

God has predominately been revealing His goodness in my personal life. In the past week, God's plan for my life has caused me a vast amount of confusion. His plan for now and His plan for my life in the future didn't seem to align. I've had the looming feeling that something precious to me is about to be taken away. But I was reminded that "ALL things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." That's a promise from the Living God. I remain astonished that such a big God would promise good even to me. Yet I am even more astonished that such a small me can rely on such a big God to remain true to this promise. He gives and takes away, but His blessings will always far overshadow my sacrifice. I am in awe.

I was also recently inspired by an amazing thought. God's fame and His goodness work together to form something so beautiful; it's captivating. I was listening to "Strong Enough" by Stacie Orrico. It's old, but it has helped me through a lot. When the song said, "As I stand against this cold hard wall, oh will You pass me by? Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?" I was struck by the realization of just how great God's love for us is. If Barack Obama were to pass me by I wouldn't think anything of it. He's so famous...why should he notice someone like me? But how much more famous is our God? He is the most famous character in all of history, yet He notices us. Even more, He doesn't scoff at our pain, even if it's self-inflicted. Instead He, Himself, came down to us to do something about it on the cross. How good is this God?

Lastly, the subject of Calvinism vs. Arminianism - or predestination vs. free will - weighs heavily upon the Liberty campus. In Theology class, or even in just hearing the conversations of the students on the street, I feel flooded by the subject. But instead of bending my perspective one way or the other, this debate has left me with a new-found wonder at God's goodness. Before coming to Liberty, I was of the opinion that Calvinists believed in a malevolent God who looked at the earth and said, "I choose you and you to go to Heaven, and I choose you and you to go to Hell. Look at my power, muahahaha." But now I realize that Calvinists believe in the same good and merciful God in whom Arminianists believe. Even though God creates some people knowing that they will go to Hell, He is good. Even if God only died to save one person from Hell, He would still be a good God because that one person deserves eternal punishment. Yet His goodness far exceeds that. Whether He died for the sins of the whole world or only for the elect, God is good.

So, this Thanksgiving let's choose to be thankful. Even though life is hectic and our stress and problems seem to outweigh our happiness at times, let's choose to remember what a good God we serve and to come into His gates with thanksgiving and into His courts with praise.

Let's be thankful for our hope...
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lovely.

It's like this song was written for me. It's that song I listen to at night and cry so hard because it reminds me of what Christ does for me every day.

lovely.

Let me tell you a story

of a little boy who had lost his way

in search for something to make it a better day.

But all he seemed to find
was a world of hurt and pain,

and a place that didn't seem to care

that he'd lost his way.

So the boy began to cry.

Yes, the boy began to cry.

"Does anyone love me?

Does anyone care?

Is anyone out there that finds me lovely?"

Just when the little boy had lost all hope

along came a man who ushered him in.

He held him to his chest and said

"Little boy, it's time that you rest."

He opened up his arms and said

"I've been searching for you

for some time

and now little boy you've found a home

and no longer shall you roam."

And the man began to cry.

Yes, the man began to cry,

"Don't you know I love you?

Don't you know I care?
And I will always be here,

and I find you lovely.

Yes, I find you lovely.

I find you so, so lovely."

---

He gives me hope...always hope. มุ่งหวัง

bucket list.

I want to make a list of things to do before I die...here goes!

1. Go on a vacation alone...somewhere relaxing where I'll have lots of time to reflect and tan. :)

2. Take a mission trip to the middle east, someplace desperate for the Gospel

3. Go sky-diving. I hear you can die...but I'll be fine

4. Perform a sit-in for a cause I care about

5. Become fully proficient in a foreign language

6. Take a photograph that people want to buy

7. Overcome my fear of alone-ness

8. Backpack across Europe, living off nothing but what is in my backpack

9. Learn to play the piano...particularly Christofori's Dream by David Lanz.

avenir.

(night-scene picture of Pattaya, Thailand)

In registering for college classes, I have no choice but to think about my future. Sophomore year means it's time to declare a major, and I just have no clue. I want nothing more than to just skip three more years of learning and jump into the workforce, but alas. I cannot.

Here's what I want to do with my life:


When I read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, I realized that I want to help prostitutes trapped in the industry. When I went to Thailand, I realized that I want to help Thai prostitutes who are trapped in the industry. The city of Pattaya, Thailand has been deemed the sex-slave capital of the world. It's the city that soldiers with no family go to during their vacation from deployment, it's the city that black-market kings go to find slaves to buy and sell. It's the city that people go to do things that are illegal in the United states. Families all over the world sell their little girls to these black market sex-slave lords when they have no money. As they grow up in this industry, girls are taught nothing but how to please a man so that even if they could escape they wouldn't know how to do anything else.


So here's where I come in. I want to open a coffee house where I can train girls in a clean, pure trade so that if they do so desire to escape they will have hope. They can learn to become a barista or even simply general business skills so they can move on with their lives.


But there's SO MUCH MORE to what I want to do. I've learned in the past few months the power of healing that comes from Christ alone. Escaping the trauma of forced prostitution leaves emotional scaring and distrust that a person can't overcome on her own. I want to lead women into the infinite comfort and healing that can save them from their own nightmares and insecurities.

So where do I imagine myself 10 years down the road? For starters, I hope I'm married. The thought of venturing into the great unknown all alone scares me to death...so hopefully there's a man in my future. But God has been showing me that maybe there's not a man in my future, and that's okay. If I die an old maid, it's fine as long as I've given my life to my Savior. He will provide a peace and a comfort in whatever situation He places me.


In fact, I've been thinking that there might not be room for a husband. Because in 10 years I see myself living in a home that can be seen as a haven for hurting and displaced women. I see myself living in a place that women can feel free to come and learn about the everlasting love of my Lord...so who knows.

Registering for my classes has me thinking about all of this, and realizing that whatever Christ brings to my future...it's going to be amazing. :)

"While the son was still a long way off his father saw him and felt compassion for him. He ran and embraced him and kissed him. "Let us celebrate for this child of mine was dead, but he has come back to life. He was lost, and now he is found!" So they began to celebrate." -Luke 15:20&24 ...มุ่งหวัง

a beautiful collision.

The first few weeks of my Philosophy class kicked my tail. My constant thought was..."Why the heck does this even matter? So Renee Decartes believed life is all a dream, so Socrates thought of a new definition of knowledge? Why is it relevent?" But to night, when one of my class's topics came up in a conversation, it hit me.

Knowledge. How can we define knowledge? Most commonly knowledge is understood as a conscious understanding of truth. But what is truth? Is truth something we believe to be so? If that's the case, then there can be no truth because each "truth" can be negated by another's belief. Is truth something that the majority accepts, and is thus socially correct? If that's so, then there can't be truth because each society functions differently. Is truth the statement with the most evidence? If that's what truth is, then what happens when there is no evidence either way?

How can man know if the very definition of knowledge has an infinite regress? That really got to me, because knowledge has always been like a safe haven. When life gets tough I turn to what I hold to be the most true of any truth: Christ. When life experience fails me, I look toward what I see as the most sure thing on earth: the Gospel. I always somehow knew that Christ was there, waiting. So when I questioned the very basis of knowledge, that left me bewildered.



So, at 12:00 in the morning, I grabbed my blanket and pillow and went outside to look up at the stars. I considered the idea of no God, and it didn't make sense. All my life He's been my breath and strength...how could such a big part of my life be unknown and unsure? As I looked into the deep sky I thought, "You're up there somewhere...waiting. You have to be."



As I lay thinking, I remembered a quote by David Crowder, "When His divinity meets our depravity, it's a beautiful collision." Beauty can't be proven, but it can be known. When I look at the ocean, I know it's beautiful. When I see a couple in love, I know the beauty of that intimacy. The beauties in this world aren't believed by all, accepted by all, or proven...but it is still known. So then I consider the beauty of the infinite being I call Savior, Emmanuel coming into His creation and destroying my depravity by colliding with my soul. I consider the beauty of Christ taking my heart and cupping it in His hand, protecting it and making it His own, and I know. With Him there's nothing that can change.

let it be.

Some people bring you gifts
Some give you bricks that weigh you down
So they can swim a little higher while you drown
Some people mean so well
Their way was the best way that they found
But any other way you choose
Is a brick that weighs you down

So tell me,
What do I do with this backpack full of bricks?
Of sticks and stones
And words that stuck to me like ticks?

Let it go, let it be.
Brick by brick we can be free
Of all the words we saved
'till we were our own enemies.
Let it go, let it be.
Brick by brick we can believe
in the person God intended us to be.
Let it be.

Some people give themselves a brick
I know most people do
When we compare
We fall short somewhere, it's always true
If all we see is where we fall
We brick the prison wall
Instead of trying to learn to fly, we've tought ourselves to fall.

We could believe in ourselves more.
We could try for unique instead of trying to conform.
We could defy what they tell us
And don't buy the lies they sell us
If we are brave we can believe in what we are.

"His love has no fear, because perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18

in like.

Walk towards me

I want to hear

the heavens singing over you

When you breathe

and look at me

I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes

and let me know you’d fight

thousands, for my love

Slip your hand in mine

Ask me to dance with you tonight

Just ask me for my love

I want to hide

what’s deep in my eyes

I’m scared to be known by you

But when I turn my head

and see you there
I want to be pursued

twitter.

a twit for a twat. this is pure real life truth, swollow it! -katy perry

wholly Yours.

I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

You are everything that is bright and clean
And You’re covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
I want to be holy like You are

But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

So here I am, all of me
Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You...


Have hope...มุ่งหวัง

saam.

Three blogs in one day...I'd call this an addiction. But I just have so many things to say to whom it may concern.

Right now I have to apologize to the world for being a jerk, inadvertently. I have what I like to call reverse-criticizing-syndrome. That's when I criticize for being critical. i.e. Whenever I talk about a person for talking about me. Or, when I judge a person for being judgemental. Or, whenever I say someone's not a "good Christian" because they don't like people who don't act like "good Christians", you know, love the sinner but hate the sin. I'm a subconscious hypocrite. We all have areas of fault, and that's one of mine. So today we put out a money jar in my house; in the event that someone says anything negative about another human being in our home, that person must put a quarter in the jar. I have a feeling I'll be making a somewhat substantial contribution. So I ask the same of all three or so people who read my blog: Hold me accountable? Call me out? I want to be trustworthy, someone people can trust to not talk negatively about them.

Thanks for all your help, and keep on hoping. :)

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that's a big baht.

I've been thinking about Thailand today. I miss it. Mai pen rai...life is so much simpler with mai pen rai.

necessity.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

How do you know the right time? When is the time to dance, and when is the time to mourn? When is the time to be silent, and when is the time to speak out? When should we weep, and when should we laugh? When the world is filled with such chaos and confusion, how am I to know the proper time? Praise God that I don't have to go it alone...any wisdom on my part comes not from me, but from my Lord. But still I wonder...if there is a time for war and a time for peace, why does my heart want peace so badly? When I see pictures of my Ben carrying a gun in Afghanistan, I want peace for him; my big brother should be at home with his wife and family, not having to defend my freedom against terrorists who want to strip it away. When I see the faces of the children held captive and forced to fight for Joseph Kony's rebel army, I want peace for them; these innocent little boys should never see what they see.

But the Biblical truth stands: There is a time for war and a time for peace. It is a necessity in this cruel world that my brother and his platoon fight in Afghanistan. It kills me to think of my big brother, the boy who used to get wrapped up in his suspenders and wear "sharp" eyeglasses, fighting to what could be his death, but he's doing it because he's a hero - a champion for our freedom. Sometimes fighting fire with fire is a necessity...terrorists won't listen to peace so we must beat them at their own game.

But the war against Joseph Kony cannot be fought with fire. Joseph Kony is a cruel, vicious man in northern Uganda who leads a rebel army. Joseph Kony, much like a terrorist, refuses to have peace talks, and refuses to give up his inhumane ways. But the war against Kony must be fought with words and prayer, because personally, I love the LRA (Lord's Rebel Army: Kony's rebel force). The LRA is made predominately of abducted boys...children. 90% of Kony's rebel army is built of innocents. To fight Kony is to fight children. There is a time for silence and a time to speak. The time for silence has passed, and the time to speak is now. Take a stand and let Joseph Kony know that we will fight this war with voices raised and prayers lifted high. Watch "The Rescue" movie at therescue.invisiblechildren.com, and sign up to attend The Rescue in your city. Your voice will be heard and a difference will be made.

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

Ephesians 6:12

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don't forget to hope.

easter.

Sin, where are your shackles?
Death, where is your sting?
Hell has been defeated.
The grave could not hold the King.

This is my hope.
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Also, I would just like to say how amazing 3D movies are. It's like you're there...incredible :).
I would also like to say that I miss my brother immensely. He's busy defending our freedom in Afghanistan, and he's my hero.

Have a happy rest of the Easter!
'Because He lives I can face tomorrow...'

remedy.

Every time I listen to "The Remedy" by David Crowder Band I wonder where the passion goes. Each time I go to a conference, or a retreat, or a mission trip especially, I come home with so much passion burning in my stomach. But then it goes away. Why? I would like to think that I fall more in love with Christ every time I think about Him, but if that's so then why don't I feel an urge in my gut? "The Remedy" puts it in such simple terms. "So I lift up my voice and open my hands to cling to a love that I can't comprehend." To get the passion, I cling to Him. The more I thought about it the more I understood that to be out of my comfort zone means that I have to cling to Christ like he's my last breath of air. "We lift up our voices and open our hands; let go of the things that have kept us from Him." It's things in our lives that we cling to that keep us from Him. When I open my hands they're finally free to grasp onto Christ like He's the very breath I breathe. Maybe it's time I open my hands and let my comforts fall to the ground. Maybe it's time I put myself out there so that I have to cling to Christ to keep me standing.